Tepatnya sebuah pertigaan, sebuah gerbang kecil menyambungkan jalan dengan rumah bertembok melingkar. Terlihat bata merah tertata rapi menyusun tembok layaknya seperti gerbang istana. Tanaman bunga yang mulai mengering ada disekeliling halaman rumah, menyisakan setapak jalan kecil berdebu. Langit sore mulai memerah, dan angin berhembus sedikit hangat. Pintu kayu terlihat besar dan usang, namun tetap kokoh dan sedikit terbuka. Rumah - rumah terlihat saling berdekatan, hanya dipisahkan jalan setapak kecil.

Dari kejauhan pun aku bisa melihatnya, dia berdiri didepan rumah, sendirian dan sedang menunggu sesuatu. Masih dengan wajahnya yang manis, namun terlihat sedih. Sesaat dia menoleh kearahku, bibirnya mencoba untuk terseyum, namun sorot matanya tak mampu menyembuyikan beban yang dia tanggung.  Dibalut gaun putih memanjang dan rambut terurai, begitu cantik tanpa make up. Aku berdiri dibelakangnya, agak jauh mungkin 3 meter, sama - sama memandang langit yang semakin merah dengan angin yang tak kunjung lelah untuk berhembus.

"Sore yang cantik", aku mencoba mengaburkan keheningan diantara angin yang semakin dingin. Dia tetap memandang langit, dengan senyum kecil yang dipaksakan, tetap hening berdiri ditengah terpaan lembut angin yang semakin membuatnya terlihat cantik. Beberapa anak kecil terlihat ceria bersepeda di jalan kecil samping rumah, mengabaikan keheningan kami.

"Jadi, akhirnya seperti ini", kalimat yang dia katakan setelah menghela nafas panjang, sambil menundukkan wajah. Dia menatapku sebentar dengan padangan sorot mata yang penuh dengan rasa bersalah lalu kembali menatap langit. Aku tidak tau apa yang ada dipikirannya, yang pasti tidak seharusnya dia merasa bersalah.

"Ya", jawabku singkat. Langit mulai gelap, seakan menuntunku untuk segera pulang dan menyembunyikan wajahku yang begitu pucat. Aku berjalan melewatinya tanpa sepatah kata, hanya senyuman kecil ketika kami saling bertatap. AKu meraih stang sepeda tua punya ibuku, ingin segera kukayuh cepat - cepat tanpa harus menoleh. Didepanku beriringan anak kecil yang tadi bermain sepeda, pulang menuju rumah mereka. Mungkin seharusnya aku tidak menoleh ke belakang, namun aku hanya ingin melihatnya sekali lagi, masih menatap langit dan tak bergeming, lalu sejenak menatapku. Sorotan mata nanar dan senyum berat dibibirnya hampir membuatku lupa, hari ini adalah hari pertunangan dia dengan kekasihnya. Mungkin, aku harus segara pulang.

It's hard for me to sleep early, I sleep after midnight usually,.but  I feel so different that night, the light look so dim, the air slowly growing humid and cold. My head feel so heavy and hurt but I don't know how it's feels exactly. My body feel so much tired, yet I just do regular stuff that day. I drink so much coffe lately, to boost my energy. Sometimes, everything is better when you drink coffe. My room was quite small, 3x3 meters with wardrobe that I rarely use, desk full of my stuff, and my bed totally disorganized.

Spent almost 2 hour trying to sleep, finally be able to close my eyes at 2AM. It didn't las long, unfortunately I wake up arround 2:30 becouse I feel so uncomfortable. Trying hard to close my eyes and go back to sleep again, but then there it goes.

I feel something touching my feet, kind of gentle pressure, like a mother touching her baby. Thingking it was just my folded blanket, so I just moved my feet and cover it with my blanket, keep trying go back to sleep. The touch comeback again, at this point I'm already half asleep, so I just ignored it. Suddenly it's grab me and trying to drag me. I was shocked, and screamed a little. I wake up and sat at my bed, looking arround but no one in my room except myself. The worst part, it's grab and drag me again even I'm wide awake. I don't feel the form or texture, I just feel the pressure, it's quite strong that moved my feet a little.

Scared the hell out of me, I running to my mom's room. Luckyly my mom left the door open. I just sat at my mom desk for a couple minute, trying to understand what's going on. I'm not waking up my mom, just sat quietly, then go back to my room. I left the door open, and left the light turn on. Once again, trying to sleep.

I woke up in the morning, humid small rent room always smell nice after heavy rain. Stretch a bit then try to move my foot. This Saturday I only had one class, that means class finish at 10 AM, my school changed the schedule so we had to study at lab, my favorite class. Turn off my alarm, look out of my window I left open at night. My desk always look disorganized but who cares, it always end up like that, so many water bottle under the desk. I forgot to throw out the trash, maybe tonight. I sit at the "hard" bed, and read my note yesterday at the wall, what I've to do this day. My jacket still hanging for a couple year with couple chocolate candy that my crush gave to me inside it's left pocket. I should eat it before expired. The glass at my wardrobe already broken, I'm closed the door too hard when I'm angry. My perfume above wardrobe but I never use it anyway. I nee to take a shower, sometime I need to queuing to use bathroom, share with my neighbor. But today is my lucky day, no one around bathroom.

I'm so happy this day, I'm gonna see my crush. I'm kind of shy kid who staring at a girl from a distance. Call me weak, stupid, but I just can't flirt. Sometimes I wonder how my friend be able to  tease and joke with his girlfriend, and I'm here staring like a stone. Don't dare to say that's cute, that thing only apply on good looking guy, and you're right, I'm ugly af. Closed my rent room door, start walking to school.

It's a bit weird today. The sky look dark grey make the only color that exist is black and white. Everything look like an old tv show, just black and white. I'm the only human at the street, what a day, the street is totally empty. Not even a single human at the road. It's main road, almost everyday full of vehicle day and night, but this morning, only me, must be lucky day. I kept walking, and every store beside the road is closed.

It's a bit weird but who cares, I'm gonna see my friends, my classmate. A great friends for 3 years, in the same class. Laugh, play, study together. I will never forget this togetherness. I believe this day will be good day at lab.  I really like study at lab because it's just feel so free. You don't have to sit and listen, but you can do something on your own.

Start entering my school gate, wide open but no one. Start to walking at my class lab, I didn't see anyone at school. School lab's door wide open, must be somebody there. Start to looking around lab but I just didn't see anyone. Just no one in there, even in the bathroom. Am I too early ?. So I decided to waiting my friend in front of the door. Sky bit darker, make everything seem dark grey. Its should be 6:30 AM, It's look like already 6 PM.

It's already 7:00 AM, is this kind of joke ?. I'm sure its not holiday. Every classroom wide open, even canteen providing fresh snacks and food, but why no one here. I'm walking around one more time, library, teacher's office, sports field, it's empty school. Back to my class lab, and waiting there. I keep waiting and the sky keep getting darker. I keep standing in front of lab, waiting my friend to show up, but they didn't. And now, it's like a mid night. Everything just pitch black, so dark, and I just keep waiting.

I started to worried, sad, and ... I ... I ... feel ... so alone.

At this point I know where I am right now and I started to cry because I realize someday, I will be alone, lost everything and everyone I loved. Nothing survive against the time, nothing last forever. I recall when I lost my childhood friend, couple years later I dreamed about him. In that dream, I asked him about how it's feel to be past away and what do you doing after that, what's the right religion. He just smile, not answering my question. I always want to know, but maybe I'm gonna find myself someday.

I woke up in tears. I graduated couple years ago.

Couple weeks ago I've read some quote. This quote coming from religious public figure, and ton of people began to like and share it. So many young people feeling enlightened by this quote, except me. This quote saying "Get a child as fast as you can, prior to your success, so your kid will understand about struggle".  For me, this is just another stupid quote that driving young people won't prepare for their future. If you think this kind of motivational quote, you don't understand about struggle,  you don't know the half of the abuse, you don't know the world can be cruel beyond your imagination.

I might not been married yet, but raised by single mother, I know exactly what struggle is. My suffer is nothing compared to other people in the war zone or crime victim but I'm gonna tell you. Everything started messed up when my father passed away, left my mother without financial support. We used really poor. 50% of house made from bamboo, but front much better. The floor is soil, and when it's rain, water everywhere. We even let couple families of frogs living under our wooden desk.

I still remember make a trap for rats or wild dog that will capture them when they try to enter our house by digging the dirt under the door. And I almost set the house on fire twice, when me and my brother try to cook, and when I forget to put the fire off after boiling water. 

Other "success" family member won't recognize my family. One day at family gathering,  they're lined up kid to get gift, kind of 5 or more kid I don't really remember. Without hesitate I stand in the middle, and they began to give the kid some gift one by one. Every kid got a gift, except me. Yes, they skipped and ignored me on purpose. I was confused and keep standing when other kid began to open their gift, I thought they run out of gift, but it's not. They just stack the gift on the desk, for other kid that maybe coming late. My mother saw what happen and immediately hold me and go home. I can see my mother's sad face, trying not to cry. We never coming at our "success" family gathering again.

When I was preschool, my friend invited me to play in her house. We played in the yard in front of her house. After a couple minute, her parent take her inside and closed the door, leaves me alone in the yard. I used to take a shoe from neighbor trash can. I thought the shoe still good enough, and I can wear it. My own shoe has been ripped so bad sometimes my feet slide through and my mother already had enough debt. My neighbor saw me, and couple days later they bought me new shoes.

Sometimes I'm lying so I can hangout with classmate. I know this is so low but I basically know and had nothing. I remember borrowed my friend DVD, even though I don't have DVD player. For my friend if you reading this, I'm sorry, I just want to make a friends. When my friends had a laptop, handphone or some cool stuff, the only I had is small radio, I bought around $2.

When I was in high school, I lived in small rent room. $2 to survive for one week. 80 cent I used to take a bus. Sometimes I eat only rice, or instant noodle for couple days. I don't have any stuff that can be use to help my study except book and pen, while I took computer science in school. Someday, I got score "The Most Inactive Student", for some school project because I don't have money to go to internet cafe.

I don't blame anyone. If I have to, the only I blamed is GOD, but I think it just my way, my life, my fault and my destiny. I'm gonna live it up anyway. I just don't want to see other kid have to suffer like me. Please don't let your kid see your struggle to get money and other life support, it's hurt to watch. Being poor and being frugality is totally different. If you want to teach the kid about frugality, you don't have to be poor. Support them the best way you can, don't let your kid burdened by your inability. So they grow up in the best way. I hope you're ready when you have a kid.

If supporting child is too hard for you, no one is forcing you to have one.