When I was young, I did a lot more seeing than speaking. I’m still the same way today. I was considered a dream child, so quiet, so calm, maybe such a good student. I learned that it was easier to be a wallflower. To get good grades, rather than be screamed at. I learned that if I was as close to perfect as I could be, my life would be as easy as the circumstances would allow. And to give myself an extra boost, I practiced observing others. I saw which people would be most beneficial to befriend, students who could help me in the subjects I lacked in. I saw who was trouble, who was crazy, and who was something I could only wish to be: Average. 

By the time I hit high school, my talent was second nature. Reflex. A little time around someone, and I could know all I needed to. The information flooded my brain, like water through well-drained soil. It was how I lived. It was how I saw the world. 

It was how I recognized her.

She sat a few rows across from me in homeroom, mostly keeping to herself. I watched her for seven minutes a day, over the course of a week. I spent half an hour getting to know her, noting how she wore her hair long and down see-through from her hijab. I measured her small frame with my eyes, finding inconsistencies. I saw how she rested with her elbow on the desk and her hand covering her mouth, keeping it shut.

On a certain morning, she stood up when I sat down. I tugged at my backpack . She went over to me. She looked up at me with big brown eyes. I swallowed.

“Can you help me with this stuff?” She asked. I blinked. “O..o...of course",  I stammered and did not know what to say, looking at her eyes that are beautifully hypnotizing. Couple second build courage, I said "You can sit by my side if you want, so we can learn together". She blinked her eyes, slow and thoughtful, as innocent as a young doe. She moved her hand away from her mouth. “Okay.”

And that was it. I never said what I knew outright. I thought she never admitted anything. I passed off the mouse and keyboard, and let her try some stuff on my computer. I told her the plots of popular app, and for a couple times a week, we would stay after school and break into the computer lab to try them. Just because she was quiet didn’t mean she wasn’t funny. Just because she was troubled didn’t mean she couldn’t have a good time. She was a little like me: Using what she could, to make her life as good as circumstances would allow.

I was an observant child. The dream never went anywhere, but it was fun to talk about. My mother walked in and caught me smiling at the kitchen sink. She grinned in response, walking over to me. The wind beat overhead, the water flow sending a gentle hum through the house. She looked me over, already decked out in summer fashion, and exhaled softly. “You’re growing up so fast, sweetie,” she said quietly.

It was really good memories when we spent afterschool at the computer lab. Many people think if you like somebody you have to tell them. But I'm afraid I will regret stepping up. I should tell her how I really feel, but I'm afraid of what she might say. Admiration is the daughter of ignorance. My breathing hitched in my chest as I see her from far away. I prayed to God to make us getting closer, every night.

The air slowly growing heavy and humid, I thought I could predict the future. I thought I saw she standing in the garden with me, laughing and happy.

But she had gotten too beautiful. Too lovely. Too bright. She had become something a shadow couldn’t stop himself from devouring.

Better man kept approach her, leaving me behind. Torn apart every single memories we had.  I'll be honest, it's breaking my heart, she going down a path I cannot follow.  Now she's too far for my reach, I see my picture vanishing from her lovely brown eyes, look at me like a stranger.

I'm trying to let it go, find someone else. It didn’t quell the desire to live, though. A fire burst within me, give me courage to ask some girl out. Trying to get closer with some one new. This girl glanced shyly, so am I. I can see her awkward smile, and we spent out time with awkward conversation. She's kind of great girl, independent, outgoing, and cute actually. We often texting each other, asking how's the day and standard conversation.

I was born to be caught. The sky isn't always blue, the sun doesn't always shine. Our relationship is kind of good and I wanna be fall in love with her, but I can't. How the hell it's possible, Am I cursed to not find other love ?. This just doesn't work and I end up hurting her. It was just false hope, affectation, we all suffer from dreams. False hope is a terrible thing, if its the only thing keeping you alive you'll be dead by dawn.

Fortunately, these awkward symptoms do not persist for too long. She find some one else who will be her side with the love from deepest heart. He actually better than me, on every aspect maybe.

I wonder how other people changing relationship so easily and quickly. Yet, I'm barely move a single step. And old dream become nightmare, It even hurts to remember. Loneliness is not stranger for me, I used to it, maybe kind of my best friend, and I never feel sad for it. Sometime it feel great when it's just you and the sky, maybe some wind. That's just enough for me.

Even in the dream I cannot touch my first love. Sometimes, I wake up and hoping there's word from her on my phone, but I found only cold air, blowing forward to kiss me on the lips, vanishing at the sound of sirens.